Ever heard of Longarm?
The Longarm series of books is a long-running "adult western" series. To be completely frank, it's violent cowboy smut. Intrigued yet?
I first became acquainted with Longarm during a recent trip to my local Barnes and Noble. Never having realized that there was a section titled "Westerns", I decided to peruse the available titles. You see, I've never read a western. They've never much seemed my cup of tea. Looking to expand my literary horizons however (and pick up a little pulp fare), I recently decided to explore the genre.
So, imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon the book pictured above. There were numerous volumes of Longarm on the shelf, their spines marked with tremendous numbers. "Dear god," I muttered aloud. "There can't possibly be more than 400 books in this series. There's simply no way."
As of this post, there are, in fact, four-hundred and six volumes in the Longarm series. That's right. More than 400. Upon realizing this, I became fiercely curious. Certainly a series as long as this one must have some literary merit, no? Surely the author, Tabor Evans, was a legend among authors for having churned out more than 400 novels in his lifetime, right?
Well, not quite. While the novels are, indeed, quite numerous, I found little in the way of literary merit. What I found instead was a huge-ass serving of randy cowboy penis.
I won't deny it-- I went ahead and bought the book. I wanted to know just how it was possible that a series could run on so long. Mind you, I'd only read the first few pages at Barnes and Noble. I hadn't been impressed with the quality of the writing, but figured that it might improve. At the time I still didn't know what I was getting into. The cashier's grin should've clued me in.
The hero of these novels, Custis 'Longarm' Long, is a Deputy US Marshal. He's a confident, masculine fellow-- a gentleman when he has to be, but a ruffian and womanizer through and through. Upon completing the first few chapters, I quickly realized just what I was reading.
The Longarm series details the sexual exploits of the aforementioned US Marshal. Yeah, it's true-- he does do US Marshal-y stuff. More often than not however, the thin plot seems nothing more than a vehicle for clumsily-written sex-scenes. Oh. And to make him look like a huge badass.
After some truly bodacious head-shots, he bangs the chick he's supposed to be rescuing in the desert. Peppered tastefully throughout the account of their, erm, lovemaking, are reports of Longarm's generous proportions. The woman can't help but heap on the praise between violent orgasms. Five minutes later, they do it again. Had I been forced to summarize my understanding of eroticism during my adolescent years in the form of a western, I might've written something like Longarm and the Hell Creek Lead Storm. Author Tabor Evans is either a prolific, sexually frustrated teenager, or a middle-aged chronic masturbator. I don't care to speculate which.
An excellent fighter and lover, Longarm seems to me the epitome of manliness from the viewpoint of a fourteen-year old kid. What any grown man could hope to gain from reading such stories is beyond me, however there's little doubt that they do. The books sell quite well, it seems.
To each their own. The book is sitting on the desk in my office. I've very nearly finished it, and have had my share of laughs while reading it. When my amusement has passed, how will I dispose of it, however? I can't actually keep something like this on my bookshelf, can I? Someday down the road, when my children are literate, how could I possibly explain the presence of such a raunchy, ridiculous volume?
Son: "Hey, dad. I just found this weird cowboy sex book on your shelf."
Me:
"I--I've never seen that before."
Well, off to bed.
~Sexy cowboy dreams to all of you~
--OJ Connell
